just another story

Lately

2011-06-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

Things have been bad lately.

Real bad. And they only seem to be getting worse.

Every day there are tears, and it's so difficult to look at the bright side, to stay positive.

It's so difficult to get through each day, every morning it's a struggle to get out of bed and almost every night I cry myself to sleep.

This wasn't supposed to happen, my family wasn't supposed to lose everything.

Because of pride and selfishness we're here and it's awful, absolutely horrible and there's nothing I can do.

I don't know how to not do anything and just sit idle, I don't know how to be happy when it seems like everything is falling a part.

Wedding Photos

2011-05-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

The big sha-bang of photos are up! They're on Facebook, but here's the link just in case :)

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150264185447228.371190.500312227&l=67dd814dac

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150264191947228.371194.500312227&l=c38a355ea6

Let me know if the link doesn't work :)

Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter

2011-05-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

Originally I was going to write about how much of a failure I feel about still living at home. How I'm an adult and I should be in my own house and how I want my own kitchen and bathroom and bedrooms...

But as I was coming downstairs to my computer my dad says, "Hey Bobbys (my childhood nickname/stems from Ali Baba) , I love you!"

The biggest smile ever stretched across my face and I realized how darn lucky we (Pete and I) are to be here. To spend these moments with my dad and my brother, however frustrating they can sometimes be, need to be cherished.

I am truly blessed, no matter the place I'm in, or the length of time it takes me to get certain things in my life, I'm in a REALLY good place.

Ain't that the truth

2011-05-25T07:11:00.001-07:00

“It is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Strange things are amiss

2011-05-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

There are big plans brewing in the new Leyk house and I must say I am overly excited :) But we're not dropping the bomb until more information comes along so sit tight Internet (because I know all three of you that read this are at the edge of your seats), more infor to come soon!

Some people

2011-05-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Some people just suck. That's all it boils down to. As much as people are destined to let you down, (because let's face it, we're all, at some point, going to fail those around us), there are some people that when they let you down it's like the Earth is ending, and it blows.

2011-05-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of people. Of being around people all the time, I need a serious break. Please.

Pictures!

2011-05-04T12:50:00.001-07:00

They're here! They're here!

http://amberglanville.com/blog/?p=2322

Honestly I could not have asked for a better day with a better photographer. Amber and Stephanie (Stefanie) did an absolute amazing job! They captured the moments that I'll want to remember forever!

Thank you so much Amber it was an absolute pleasure!!!

Mawwiage.

2011-05-03T19:14:00.001-07:00

Well we did it, we tied the knot.

And the day couldn't have been any better. It was looking pretty dreary, the rain was pouring, the thunder was crashing, and the lightening was flashing, but just as we were going to start the ceremony the clouds cleared, the sun broke through, and the birds began chirping. It was absolutely perfect!

I'm still adjusting to the Mrs. Leyk business and referring to Pete as my husband, but hey, I've got a lifetime to get that down right ;)

More to come tomorrow!

I wrote this a while ago...

2011-04-21T19:36:00.001-07:00

but I have been thinking about it lately so here it is again:

my feet are aching
i've traveled this road many times
though i still am known to dread
the rough road that lay ahead

my heart is yearning
for a passion to be ignited
for a flame to engulf my heart
so i may be consumed and never apart

my soul is longing
to live in a love that is everlasting
with welcoming arms and a safe embrace
a solid fortress filled with mercy and grace

Life

2011-04-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

Life can be so incredibly backwards sometimes and it's so difficult for me to understand.

I can't understand how such a loving family can lose a child before he or she has even seen the light while there are hundreds, if not thousands, of irresponsible girls continually getting pregnant with no stability to offer.

I can't wrap my head around the thought that the good and diligent, the loving and faithful, struggle to make things happen, while the audacious and faithless prosper.

I realize no one ever said life is fair, but why all the suffering for the ones who deserve it most?

2011-04-04T22:57:00.001-07:00

I ordered a new book last night in my insomniac state.

A Writer's Workbook: Daily Exercises for the Writing Life

Be prepared people, hopefully it will help with some inspiration.

The waiting game.

2011-03-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm in a hole. Stuck way down deep without any way out. And as much as I'm moving, I still feel like I'm going no where.

I want my degree. I want a house. I want a job. I want a family. I want to travel.

A good friend said to me last week that I need to cherish this time I'm in, not wish it away.

And as much as I agree with him, that I should enjoy the time here at my dad's, the fresh air, the view, and the fact that family is always around, I can't help but wish myself forward, because it's hard. Not having my own kitchen, bathroom, only having a bedroom of my things. Having to ask others to respect my things, my space. It's so hard.

It doesn't help that I feel like everyone around me is moving forward, and I'm just moving.

We're just moving. It's we now, not I.

I'm struggling, struggling to find a sense of who I am, where I fit, struggling to know in my heart that all this waiting will be worth it in the end.

I have all these dreams, these big giant wonderful dreams that I want to make happen, but for now.

We wait.

Separation Anxiety

2011-03-11T16:27:00.000-08:00

So, the big day is approaching, and while I'm super beyond stoked, I can't help but feel like a little bit of myself is being left behind.

I'm changing my name. I'm not going to be a Alex Delanie Gilmore anymore and that's weird! I'm thrilled to be starting this journey, to become a member of the Leyk family, but I'm really, really sad to be leaving my name behind.

What's in name anyway? I mean really it's just a word, it's the connotative meaning that means something right? And I know in my head that leaving the name Gilmore behind doesn't mean that I'm no longer a Gilmore, but my heart is taking longer to understand that.

Facebook.

2011-03-04T13:35:00.001-08:00

In other words. The devil.

I closed my account.

Deactivated.

It kind of feels good.

You can contact me through here, twitter or email. Leave a comment if you need that info.

The Feds.

2011-02-14T18:23:00.000-08:00

I met with my adviser today and, well it was less than satisfying. Turns out even with my transferred AA degree, starting next quarter I'll have two years to go in order to get my teaching degree, and that doesn't even include my minor in History which would be another 30 credits, so at least 2 quarters...

Kill me now.

I cannot understand why they make it so time consuming to get a degree, a BA is considered to be a 4 year degree, I have yet to find anyone who has actually succeed in getting one in only four years, unless of course they did running start or had a huge amount of AP classes in h.s.

I think most of my issue stems with the amount of money I keep shoveling out without seeing any result. I'm here struggling to work two jobs and go to school, while some crack head hooker with 5 abused children is out there getting a check every couple of weeks to spend on cocaine, alcohol, and cigarettes.

Seriously, I'm working my butt off without any help from our govt, trying to better myself and through that better society as a whole, while the idiots are getting free rides! It's like some cruel joke.

Work hard and get screwed.

That's enough for now I suppose, just another arse-backwards government faction. I could go all day...

Truth.

2011-02-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

“It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it.”

-Unknown

A life of self focus

2011-02-04T19:40:00.000-08:00

I've had a couple conversations with people lately about this and it's been bothering me for a quite a while.

Growing up I was always very aware of the things going on around me, the emotions of others, and the effects of my actions to not only my self but others around me. My parents used to say I was "global," and for a long time I didn't really understand that how I was was indeed different than a lot of the people around me. I've recently realized that difference even stronger than before.

It seems now, more than ever, to be an ever present issue in our society and I can't quite get a grasp on how we got here and why it is accepted.

This totally self focused lifestyle is mind blowing. I can't help but be reminded of biblical times, Rome in specific, where the main goal was pleasing oneself rather than doing the greater good. I cannot understand people who make decisions without thinking about how their children, family, friends, even strangers, might be affected. This world is slowly but surely becoming corrupt with selfishness.

Maybe it's not a new thing, maybe it's something that has been brewing for hundreds of years and just now that I'm becoming an adult and the people around me are making major life decisions am I aware of the insane reality.

It's few and far between to find people who are wholly selfless, I'm aware. I'll admit I'm not anywhere close, but I do make an effort each day to make someone smile, or lend a helping hand where needed. I try to make conscience decisions to be aware of the feelings of people around me and the way I can impact them, negatively or positively.

I'm not saying that people should make all decisions based on the people around them, and I realize it's kind of coming out that way. I just don't understand why people don't think about the choices they're making. Sleeping around with everyone and their mother, getting wasted every weekend, the use of illegal drugs on a regular base, or even every once in a while, having illegitimate children left and right, thinking it's okay to live off state aid for a lifetime but continue to make poor decisions.

I cannot grasp this logic, if you can even call it that...I feel a little ridiculous repeating myself and the fact that I don't understand, but it baffles me. I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

Am I bizarre for thinking this way? Is it weird that I think these actions are not-acceptable whilst the society around us says otherwise? I want your thoughts because I'm at a point of pure confusion.

Greater achievements

2011-01-22T15:40:00.001-08:00

“Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything & make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best & expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past & press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are true to the best that is in you.” ~Christian D. Larson

Falling off the face of the Earth

2011-01-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

Being as how my birthday was on Monday this week and I'm now 23 years old I can't help but think of the song "Falling off the face of the Earth" by Matt Wertz.

23 feels different, not immediately, but once it sunk in and I thought about it a bit, it's different.

I'm 23.

TWENTY-THREE years old!

I'm finding it really difficult to write lately, I don't know if it's because I'm so busy and struggling to clear my mind or what...but in 6 days I'll be in sunny California with not a thing in the world to do but chillax with my older brother, his family and my handsome honey. Hopefully it will prove to be just what I need and provide me with much needed calm among the storm that is my life.

Just to give a brief run down of my schedule this quarter in hopes to show you the craziness that is my life :

M-F class 8-10. Monday, Friday-Sun work 3-9. Tues-Wed nanny 11-3. Thursday 4-8 night class.

As busy as it is, I couldn't be happier. I love both my job and nannying, I do not love class as much this quarter as I did last quarter, but that's to be expected. Hopefully, I can get some better classes next quarter. I'm REALLY looking forward to being done, but somehow I don't see myself getting done in the next 1.5 years, there's just no way...I don't know if that's Eastern's fault or mine (pretty sure it's Eastern's) either way I'm stuck!

Off to work now. See ya'll in a couple weeks, pictures of VACATION to come!!! :)

2011 you say?

2011-01-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

Well according to Nostradamus we have one year left until the world ends. I sure hope he was wrong because I have a few things I'd like to get done before then!

1) Pete and I move out of parents house and get a place of our own

2) GET MARRIED!!! (I cannot wait for this one!)

3) Get closer to finishing my degree and attempt to obtain a more finite goal of when I'll be done

4) Try to save money (I can see this always being a struggle, at least in the economy we're in and while I'm still a student)

5) Spend more time with Peter (maybe not spending money, but just having one on one time)

6) Make an effort to be a better friend, sending small notes of encouragement to those I love and care about (thanks for the awesome idea Summer!)

7) Join a club of some sorts, whether reading or crafting, I want to be involved with people who like what I like!

8) Try to find a church with a service that Pete and I can join together (This might prove to be difficult due to the fact that we work opposing shift times)

9) Manage to learn Photoshop better than I know it now

10) Blog more, post more pictures on here

11) Last and most important, SPEND LESS TIME ON FACEBOOK! (That damned site sucks me in and not in a good way, I want to get out of drama!)

12) Travel more. Towards the end of the year Pete and I really dropped the ball on this one, but we're starting the year off right with a trip to So Cal to see my older brother and his family!!!

13) Try to manage my anger and not get so frustrated by other people and their decisions, no matter how stupid I may think they are...

:)

A reasonable list if you ask me, here's to 2011!

Update.

2010-11-27T15:00:00.001-08:00

I'm going to start blogging again. Because I've been failing miserably and I want to start writing again. So here it goes. An update on the life of mine.

I've started working at Brews Bros Cafe in downtown Spokane, and it is absolutely wonderful, it's been such a long time since I've been able to say I love going to work and let me tell you, it is SO NICE! I love the people I work for and the people I work with, the customers are great, minus a few crazies now and then. But overall the atmosphere is just amazing!

Since mid October I've been living out at my Dad's in Nine Mile and it's made me appreciate family all over again. I love seeing my little brother everyday and my dad. There's something to be said for cultures where the families stay together. I'm certainly going to miss it when we get our own place. But the overwhelming sense of wanting a place that's all my own is stronger than that of staying at home. Ha.

I'm very excited to have my own house/apartment to decorate and to come home to every day, a place where Pete and I can make memories that are personal to us in a place that is all our very own.

As of this week I have officially changed my major to English Education, which makes me kind of sad, I really wanted to major in Creative Writing, but I also really want a job when I graduate. I'll go back for my masters someday and in the meantime maybe take some creative writing classes as electives.

We plan on moving to Alaska once I get my degree, because, seriously, how awesome would that be?! And then maybe Pete could go back to school while I work, work, work! Well it's not really work when you enjoy it right :)

Still lots to do for the wedding in April, but I've got all the big things done, dress, bridesmaids, flowers, cake, etc. It's exciting and stressful all at once, 154 days to go, and it still feels surreal!

I've been looking for a new church to go to but Pete and I are on alternating work schedules now, he works during the day Saturday and Sunday and I work evenings, a weekday service would be perfect but I can't seem to find a church besides Big Life Center that offers such a thing and I honestly can't bring myself to attend that church...what to do, what to do.

That's all for now, back to work, back to work.

Oy Vey

2010-03-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

I am a planner, an organizer, a think-before-acting-er. And I like things the way I like things. I want them to go a certain way and when they don't I get frustrated, so frustrated tears often happen. And lately, God has been testing me, oh boy, He has been testing me!

I've been trying to be more calm, let more slip by, let less stress me out.

And has it been HARD.

Oy freaking vey.

Nothing has been really going my way lately, the good things come with the ever-bearing weight of the bad and it would be nice to just have a break. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently.

I know, I know, "Alex the complainer" "Negative Nancy" blah blah blah. But I'm a at a stand still a point where I just don't know what to do. Breaking down to tears is no longer an option, it solves nothing and I certainly don't feel any better.

I need prayer, lots of prayer, lots of God's insight, wisdom. To help me see the sun in the rain. So please pray pray pray.

Decode

2009-03-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

I think I have a thyroid problem, or something of the sort. I'm tired, all the freaking time.

I need a job, I need something to keep my mind focused, to keep my hands busy. I hate sitting around all the time. Sure, I could do homework, but why in the world would I want to do that.

I'm quite possibly the most apathetic human that I know, when it comes to school, I really could care less.

I wish I had a passion, wish there was something I was so interested in that it took up my free time, that it consumed my thoughts. The only thing that comes remotely close is traveling and photography. Of course both of which cost money, an area I lack in. I enjoy writing too, but I find myself too lazy to sit down and do it.

ZERO motivation. Is everyone like this, does everyone go through a stage in their life where laying in bed sounds like the best idea...? Will it go away, do I have to force it away. Boo. Life should be easy, wait, never mind. Scratch that...

We don't deserve easy...we sort of, kind of, spat in the face of our maker...Why should he make anything easy...?Boo again ;)

P.S. Twilight (the book series) is absolutely amazing, and I feel so ridiculous and somewhat ashamed to admit it, considering it's aimed as a teenage novel, but it's SO good! And anyone who says other wise, and hasn't read the books, is silly. Do not judge unless you know the facts. Anyway, they movie is pretty darn good as well and the second one comes out in November, CAN'T WAIT!

Guns, Love, and Happiness :)

fail to the English language

2009-01-27T22:40:00.000-08:00

I despise the English language for many reasons, but I must say the thing I dislike most would have to be that we have somehow come upon a way to devalue the feelings, the emotions, of love.

A word that we use so commonly, one we throw around, use in everyday language and have slowly beaten and abused to such a point, that when we actually feel LOVE, we fail to truly feel and express it.

Agape: A sacrificial love, one that is never-changing, whether for the world or from the God of Love, it is indifferent and unconditional. A love that is almost quite beyond the comprehension of man, one that's boundaries expand far past that of normalcy.

Philia: A platonic like love, an everyday love, one beyond just a "liking", for family, friends and the like.
Storge: An affectionate love, one love that a parent has for a child. Natural, innate.
Thelema: A love of desire.

and last;
Eros: A passionate, sensual love. One that can be sexual or not, a love that goes past the love of Philia for another. A love that does not tire, or weaken. A love that grows through the presence of one another as much as it grows through absence. One that teaches, one that's based in the very soul, the innermost of each being. A love that forms a connection, a bond; of trust and respect. A love that brings sane insanity.

I tip my hat to you, Plato, Aristotle and the rest, for you knew what you were talking about.

There cannot be one word to express these feelings we incur, however, the English language has failed yet again :)

I encourage you to be wary of when you use this "L" word. Use it only when truly meant, never use it as a lie, never say it if you're unsure. Because however lame the English language is, our human minds and souls are even more lame, because we have taken that word and connected it with a feeling in our soul, and our soul cannot see the difference between love, and love, and love. And the last thing you want to do, is scar someone's heart by misusing a word and leading them to assumptions, only to be let down and hurt.

I love my God. My Savior and my Lord.

I love my family, my sister, my brothers, my dad, my mom. I love my friends.

and Pete,

I love you. And I realize this is mushy and ridiculous. But you have captured my heart, body and soul, and there's no way getting around that. I have found in you something I never thought I'd find. And this is going to be a trying time, a time of distance and trust, but it's a time we'll get through.

I love you.

aaaaand...here we go.

2008-12-11T04:18:00.001-08:00

it's december something or other, the date is unimportant.
i'm listening to Common, punch drunk love.
amazingly dirty, amazingly clever!
my neck hurts and
it's a struggle to find the words to say and yet i feel i should write something.

i'm leaving Simpson, going, to be gone for good
it was a short time, a good time, an experience.

but it just wasn't, isn't, me.

onto the University of Montana.
hopefully it will be what i need.
where i fit.
a place to call home.

i would not have made it through this semester if not for a certain few people, and i am forever thankful.
you all should know who you are and if not, i'm sorry i haven't shown enough of how appreciative i am of you in my life.
a couple of you are new friends and i hope this is really only the beginning and that we will stay in touch after i leave.
Chelsea, Fern, Melissa, Noele.
the rest are from home, thanks for sticking it through and listening to me complain.
Sister. Kendra, Matt, Pete.

you all are the best.
You have kept me going when I could have given up a long time ago.

it's amazing the amount i have grown this semester.
i have learned so much about myself and i do not regret any of it one bit.

Mr. Workman told me, yes I still quote my high school teachers, some of them do actually know what they're talking about, "Sometimes the biggest feat in life, is not figuring out what you want, but rather figuring out what you don't want."

and i, dear friends, am one step closer to knowing what i want, because i know now more of what i do not want.

two more days that i have to get through and then home sweet home. i cannot wait to be back in the pacific northwest.
i'm not a big fan of this state, yeah, it's beautiful and all, but to visit, not live...

She's country

2008-12-05T11:19:00.001-08:00

This has become one of my newest favorites :)

2008-12-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

I can't do anything off of assumptions,
off of guessing how you feel.

I am a cut and dry girl,
I believe what you tell me,
and if you love me

tell me

Because I love you,
and always have.

just

2008-11-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

the tears keep coming,
the make-up keeps running,
and it's just another night alone

because

2008-11-10T01:52:00.000-08:00

i'm tired of crying myself to sleep.
i'm tired of missing home so much it hurts.
i'm tired of continually waking up in a place i don't want to be.
i'm tired of trying to sleep as much as i possibly can, because my dreams and unconscious state take me away from being here.

i love some of the people here.

i do.

but they don't make me feel safe when i go to bed at night.
they don't hold me when i cry.
and they don't make me feel at home.

i'd get in my car and drive home right now if it wouldn't let my mom down so much.

i can make it through the days, distractions of crazy people aid in that, but the nights, the nights are so hard.

i never thought i'd be here

2008-11-03T23:33:00.000-08:00

i never thought i'd be here
never thought it would get this far.

i miss home. more than i thought i would, more than i thought i could.
i miss my twin and my brother bear.
i miss my dad and my mom.

i miss Pete.

i miss my friends.
i miss having people around me who were real.

i feel like there's no reality here, like i can't be myself.
the average maturity level of most of the people here is equivalent to that of a high school freshman.

i hated high school.

i have more rules here than i have had my entire life, rules and control issues that defy my legal rights.

i am 20 years old and am perfectly capable of taking charge of my life.
i have been doing it since i was 15.

if i mess up, it's my own consequence to suffer.

how am i supposed to learn and grow if there's someone coddling me at the most influential part of my life?

i'm not saying i haven't made friendships that will last, there are some really cool people here and i don't doubt they will leave and do great things, what i do worry about is the culture shock that will affect most of the students when they leave this school.

yes, they've experienced poverty like nothing else, and have seen the worst of the worst in third world countries with the help of missions, however, it's a rarity for them not to be surrounded by believers, and for them to experience the day to day life of the average "christian" in the real world.

where there are struggles, where there is strife, where there is not always a group of support helping you and encouraging you to get through e-v-e-r-y d-a-y.

i love God, i do, i really do, and i love Jesus.

but i miss home, i miss the Pacific Northwest. i miss being able to go over to my dad's and shoot shit. i miss being able to go on drives and feel like i'm where i belong. i don't feel like i belong here.

17 days baby. hold on.

round 1 million and eight

2008-10-15T03:25:00.000-07:00

how is it that as one grows weary, the other gets stronger,

as the feelings of one grow, the feelings of the other quickly fade...?

why is it that i say one thing out loud, when, in my heart, i want something entirely different?

why do i long for the affection that is earthly and temporary, when i am promised One that is everlasting?

how is it that i'm such a great thing and yet i can't hold onto anything?

why is it that the words of the few are contradictory to the actions and the words of the many?

why do i keep losing these battles.

it's time for honesty with myself:

i just want to be loved.
cared about.
wanted.

and most of all...i want to believe it.

i keep taking these steps out,
and allowing myself to be vulnerable,
then i get hurt.

and it's always my own fault,

because i say one thing,
(trying to make myself believe it),
whilst my heart is wanting the opposite.

i will always say what i think you want to hear. and i'll be more convincing, when it's not what I want. every time.

Fail.

we have tons of rose bushes

2008-10-04T18:44:00.001-07:00

all around the campus and they encourage us to pick them :) so i did...

untitled

2008-09-28T01:07:00.001-07:00

my feet are aching
i've traveled this road many times
though i still am known to dread
the rough road that lay ahead

my heart is yearning
for a passion to be ignited
for a flame to engulf my heart
so i may be consumed and never apart

my soul is longing
to live in a love that is everlasting
with welcoming arms and a safe embrace
a solid fortress filled with mercy and grace

it's all the same

2008-09-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

"she swears there is no difference
between the lies and compliments
it's all the same
if everybody leaves her"

i have never heard a song lyric that feels so true to my heart.

every person i let into my heart has, in the beginning, told me i'm not too much to handle, not a burden, worth of every bit of their time (even thought i've warned them otherwise)...

yet every single one of them has gotten tired of me, said it's been too much, and left...

how am i supposed to believe the words that come out of others' mouths, when, for so long their actions have proven otherwise?

i am not perfect. i fail. and i try my hardest not to say things that i won't push to achieve.

but i am convinced that i am too much...

that i am the one at fault, because there's no way, not one possible way, that the majority is the one that's wrong and that i'm in the right. right?

if the same thing is happening but the variable is changing, than the cause has to be the constant, which, in this case, is me.

i miss

2008-09-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

i miss my brother

and my sister

and butler

my classes

2008-09-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

so i have three classes in one lecture room, two on tuesday/thursday, one on monday/wednesday/friday.

the chairs we have to sit in are similar to theater seat style, with the cool little desk thing that flips up and over to for us to use. anyway, the chairs and the way they were designed cause my legs to go dead, i lose complete blood flow to my feet/lower legs. it's horrible.

some things at this school and the engineering of them blows my mind...more to come...

room pics

2008-09-02T21:08:00.001-07:00

this is my baby mini dorm:

Hella tight

2008-08-31T11:48:00.000-07:00

I figure an update is in order for those of you who are unaware of the recent changes in my life.
On Wednesday I loaded up all my stuff into my little car, (with room to still see out the back :) and made my way to Redding, Ca. I got in late afternoon on Thursday and hung out in my Hotel 6, that's right, it was awesome :)
Friday morning I moved into my dorm and decided this place is freaking awesome. The school is absolutely amazing, the staff and students are incredible. Everyone is so caring, so loving, and, so far, genuine. It's refreshing to be surrounded by believers and I see myself growing hugely within these next couple of years.
As for the town of Redding, it's definitely small compared to Spokane, but reminds me a lot of the Tri-Cities so I'll hopefully get used to it, ha I don't really have much of a choice :)
My little dorm room is just that, little, and my roommate has yet to arrive, so we'll see how much I like the school once I actually have to live with someone lol. It's been a long time since I've shared a room...it will prove to be a testing time indeed. But I have Henry, (that's my beta fish, he made the 11 hour drive down with me :), and my other comforts, I should be good.
I miss people already, like crazy, my dad called me this morning in chapel lol, "whiskey for my men, beer for my horses," is definitely not the best ringtone to go off in chapel, lol but I was glad to hear it. This will be a time where relationships are strained and tested. I'm looking forward to the trials.
So far I feel like I'm just at camp, that in a week or two everything will go back to normal, but I fail to see that this is normal from now on.
I cannot wait for classes to start on Tuesday, as of right now I have waaaay too much free time, with no way to spend it.
I'm going to try not to write a lot on here for the first few weeks, only because I don't want to focus on the negative and me missing people, and I know that once I start writing that's what's going to come out.
I am looking forward to this new beginning and meeting new people. God knew what He was doing when He put me here and I feel so blessed and thankful that He brought me to such a great place.
I love you all, miss you all.
Write, email, call all you want :) I would love to hear from you, and forgive me if I don't stay on top of communication with you, take into consideration the huge load of classes I signed up for...eek.

INFO:
Alex Gilmore #319
2211 College View Dr
Redding, CA 96003

alex.gilmore@hotmail.com

aim: TRrefreshedUTH
msn:jesusfreak8642003@msn.com (((I'm rarely on msn...so stick to aim:))))

P.S. Having in-and-out burger is the greatest thing in the world!!!

i am

2008-08-23T16:48:00.001-07:00

i am a
strong,
confident,
woman.

i am firm in my beliefs and will not falter.

i love my Lord, my Savior, my God.

i am beautiful and worthy to the One who loves me the most.

my strength is found in none other than the One who created me, and through Him

i am capable of accomplishing all things.

10 days

2008-08-18T23:13:00.000-07:00

so. i have ten days. ten more days to get every little thing done before i move away from spokane, i'll be gone for 4 1/2 months before i see this beautiful town again. and as much as i know i'll enjoy redding, there's no doubt in my mind i'm going to miss the crap out of this place. i'll miss the city, the parks, the places that are now familiar, but most of all i'm going to miss my friends and family. it's going to be weird not to be able to pick up my phone and make plans to see anyone. to not have someone to call and come over when i'm bored...no random times with those i hold dearest, no weekends going shooting at dad's, no more, but.
change is good.
always good. and with the good comes the bad. but i won't grow if i don't change.

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain

2008-08-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

i seem to have this innate inability to sustain a relationship for any length of time. i have a tendency of being worth the chase...and then bam! once they catch me they lose interest and i say hello to the curb. "hello curb! my how beautiful you are, i have missed you so. i am so glad to be back in your glorious presence"

then i sit there running every situation, ever, through my head, wondering what on earth it was that i did wrong, could i have done more of this? or held back when telling him that? and every situation that arises just opens the flood gates of memories that i wish i could get back, road trips here, songs there, everything everywhere reminds me, and it sucks.

sucks so bad.

you can't drown those out, you can't make them go away, no amount of music, reading, writing, nothing!!! nothing will make it go away and i'm forced to be continuously overtaken with the fact that something, somewhere went wrong.

and it's not that we grew apart. my ass! people change, duh! but! it doesn't mean i stopped loving who you were or are. it doesn't mean this has to be the end, hell it was barely the beginning.

and then we're back to: what. the. heck.

i miss every touch. every look. every word. from you.

i just don't understand. how could it go from something so great. to something so wrong so quickly? how does that happen?!

am i retarded, am i so terribly inept to where i cannot put together what went wrong?

i'll answer that question myself:

obviously.

is it so wrong for me to want to cherish, love and care about someone else with a hope and desire that it would be returned?

oh Jesus. looks like it's You and me again buddy. no more relationships for this kid. i'm just so tired. so worn out. of trying. i don't have the strength to put forth effort anymore. i feel defeated. struck down and defeated.

i should probably start coming to terms with the fact that i'm going to be the old creepy woman, rocking my chair back and forth in my living room, peering weirdly out my front window, talking to my cats and reading the same book over and over again everyday for the rest of my life.

bring it on, the first one's name will be Rusty, an orange tabby. no need to pick names for my future children, just my cats...

good grief.

2008-08-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Love is an incredulous emotion, an affection of sorts that forces itself upon each heart. With little or no refrain it encompasses itself around and within the heart. There is no choice of whether to let it in, it welcomes itself, makes itself at home, and no one knows how long it'll stay. But let it be known, when it does leave, when it decides to get up and go, heartache will come in its place.

oh my my

2008-08-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

i hate fighting, i hate arguing, i hate anything and everything that has to do with it. i hate yelling, i hate stubbornness, i hate manipulation.

why can't things be easy, why can't love be only good.

why is our world fallen...

?

just another story

2008-07-25T22:32:00.000-07:00

i've decided to elaborate on the title of my blog.

it holds multiple meanings and so i'll start where i find is usually the best, and that's at number one;
i tell a lot of stories, and when i say a lot, i mean i recap my days with miniature stories of the happenings that took place, they usually tend to be boring, with little or no importance, lacking climax and closure, they simply just are...hence each blog i write...just another story

number two;
i find myself to be an ordinary person, a girl, because i do not yet feel anything older than that, who is filled with ordinary talents, not even talents, but characteristics. to this world i am nothing special, noting unique, just another face in the crowd...therefore the words i speak are simply just another story, a life of common, ordinary happenings.

on another note;
due to recent events, i have found that when it rains, it pours.
two weekends ago, well almost three now, my dad fell down the stairs at the ranch. drunk as usual, he was attempting to yell at the kids in the basement to quiet down, when he toppled down our steep wooden stairs. luckily him being drunk, most likely saved his life and the use of his limbs. he fractured his c6 vertebrae with no damage to his spinal chord. he has full function of his entire body, that was the only injury along with bruising of course. he was put into a halo in order to heal properly. during the first couple of days he was fine, he wasn't allowed to move around or anything but he was fine. then his body began to detox, he began withdrawls, and for an avid alcoholic and chain smoker, it would not be an easy or short time. he became combative and delusional, hallucinating and such, and the hospital was forced to restrain and sedate him.

do you know how hard it is to see your hero, the man you look up to no matter his flaws, restrained, bruised and sedated in a hospital bed in the icu?

let me tell you, it's close to one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. ever. i couldn't talk to my dad, the man who i go to whenever i'm in my most trying times, the one who helps to give me encouragement and knowledge to make it through. all i wanted was my dad back.

almost three weeks later now and he's been moved into St. Luke's rehab center, they're helping him with physical and occupational therapy in order to get to the point where he can go home. he'll be in the halo for three months, and i leave at the end of october, i'm scared, frightened, terrified to leave my dad, to leave my brother. to go when i am needed so much.

i am and will continue to be, forced in giving my trust to the Lord, to give all my worries, discomforts and fears to Him. not the easiest thing i must admit.

i have been failing miserably when it comes to my relationship with Him and i fear i'm nearing the lowest i've ever been, i couldn't tell you the last time i felt the Spirit, or the last time i read my bible, or the last time i talked, and listened, to Him.

during this time, my roommates have been driving me insane, up a wall really.
oh and for the first week and a half that my dad was going through all of this my sister and my boyfriend were out of town...kill me dead.

i was forced to take control and handle the things that needed to be handled. talk about a test from above. it gets slightly ridiculous when someone else's immature actions lead into the responsibility of other people.

so then my tires were stolen, 700 bucks out the window...people can be so cruel. why is it that people steal!?! it's the ultimate backhand. stealing is the one thing i cannot handle, it encompasses so much, when you lie, you're stealing that person's right to the truth, when you kill, you steal a person's life etc.

then, a friend asked if i wanted to play on his spike and dig team, i was stoked! my mom and sister were going to join and i was absolutely thrilled!!! yesterday he told me he didn't need us that had found some other players...slap in the face. lame.

i was going to house sit for a family friend, watch a dog, live on the lake for ten days, sweet. make some extra cash which i'm in need of desperately, i'm reaching the low low low of living the college life. being poor sucks...anyway that fell through as well.

i'm pretty sure this is a test, God is saying "yes! rip everything you hold dear, everything you put trust in, away, focus on Me!!!"

and i continue to fail, even as i write this, all i can do is complain...blah blah blah, pay attention to me. ew. i'm gross. i disgust myself.

God, father, Lord, lead me, guide me and strengthen me, let me put my faith and trust in You to do what i cannot. "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

i'll end there because i'm tired, tired of worrying, tired of stressing, tired of letting the world get the best of me, tired of defeat.

goodnight.

Broken

2008-07-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the hospital today, to visit my dad, (for those of you who don't know you can ask.) So I get into the ICU, which is quite a task in itself, and the nurse stops me, and asks if I'd talked to Mary today. I said no and she proceeded to tell me that since last night he had been sedated and restrained because his withdrawls were so bad. He was hallucinating and being combative with the staff.

I want my dad back.

and I don't want to do this on my own.

again I've come to the place in my life where I'm finding it difficult to trust in the Lord.

http://aholyexperience.com/

2008-07-14T19:20:00.000-07:00

This blog is by far one of the best things I have ever read.

This woman is inspiring beyond words and has insight beyond belief.

I want to be reborn into "a kingdom where Love is the currency that can radically transform the unredeemable."

Someone once told me I was the ugly-beautiful girl. I looked at him and snidely responded "excuse me?!" It takes a lot of guts for someone to use the word ugly when describing a woman to her face, granted, he is gay, but still I was taken aback. He quickly explained, and to my surprise I was actually happy about it. He told me, I was the girl who; doesn't always have her hair done right, who usually has her nose in a book, and is rarely dressed to impress, but behind all of that, she is absolutely gorgeous.

That's the person I've always wanted to be, with a little alteration. I don't ever want to be caught dead doing things to please this world, I mean yeah, it happens now and then, everyone slips up, but I want to live for my God, do things in order to make Him say, "well done, my good and faithful one."

I want my heart and my soul to make me beautiful, not necessarily my looks. Now don't get me wrong, I'm content with the fact that my God has made me beautiful, I am created beyond compare in His eyes, but! I want my heart to be what people remember me by.

Did it shine His light? Did I love as much as I could? Could I have done more to show God's love through my actions? Was I a mirror of the grace, love and mercy I have been shown?

And I could say that today I'm starting fresh, that from now on I'm going to lead my life with a different perspective. But we all know things are easier to say than they are to do. But I do plan on making a difference in my life. Good luck self. Best of wishes...

i got a rose

2008-05-14T16:32:00.001-07:00

at church :)

perfect in my imperfection

2008-05-09T14:48:00.001-07:00

“You would be a hypocrite to think lowly of yourself, but then expect others to think highly of you,” wrote the theologian and chaplain Jeremy Taylor over three hundred years ago. “Remember, no one can undervalue you if you know that you are unworthy. Once you know that, no amount of contempt from another person will be able to hurt.”

How incredibly true, I honestly don't believe there is any better way to get that point across.
I am entirely unworthy of all the grace and mercy I am given, I do not deserve the greatness of eternal life I am given. And the truth is I'm given it w/o having to do much, all I have to do is simply accept and live.
And yet it seems common for myself to accept and immediately think I am better than everyone else, that I am somehow more holy than other people,

My arrogance is most unbecoming, and to be quite honest, it's just plain ignorant.

I walk around like i own this world, like it is mine. I'm better than you. You better believe it. :)

When really, I am completely undservered of anything I am.

I am not who I am because of my own doings, I am who I am because He made me that way, the things I've gone through in my life and the inner workings of Him on my heart through those times, have created the person I am today.

So, as not to appear like a hypocrite, I must not expect others to look at me like I deserve what I have, because I don't. I am more than grateful for everything in my life so I need to express that. The friendships I have, the relationships I have, help me to grow daily, they could never be replaced by anything else. The love I have from my family and the great support and joy I get everyday from them is more than anyone deserves. The opportunities I have been given throughout my life, are more than many people will ever experience, and I am forever grateful.

I have been given a millionth chance to live a life worth living, and I pray daily that His light will shine from my heart, that I can be a walking reflection of the greatest love of all.

I pray that I can smile more, that I can see the joy in the little things, that every day will be a good day, and that I can overcome the expectations I hold on people and simply accept them for the beautiful creations they are.

I am in no place to sit in judgement of other people nor am I in a place to hold any form of expectations on anything, I must take things as they are and nothing more, (easier said than done).

With all this said, I do not believe that it is right to say I am completely worth nothing, yes, I am undeserved, but! He still does everything He does because He loves me and because I am worth everything to Him, and that my friends, is all that matters. I do not need to be worth anything to anyone on this earth as long as I understand and accept the greatest worth around. I'm not saying it doesn't feel good, I'm just saying I have to be content and satisfied with the great gift He has given.

go ahead, make my day

2008-05-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

i was driving down the road today, and i pass this almost every day and i always want to take a picture but never do...well today i did. i'm not gonna lie, i really enjoy graffiti, i see it as an awesome form of self expression.

it's been a while

2008-04-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

i've come to a place in my life (fyi there's something stuck under my "F" and "N" keys so if there's a random word that looks like it's missing a letter not my bad) anyway so this place in my life that i've come to is a good one.

i'm happy, content, and comfortable with the path my lie<--(see) is on.

i have a desire once again to get on track with God, to regain the relationship i let slip away. to once again long for the greatness He wants for us to achieve.

i also have come to realization that there are certain friendships in our lives that can only go so far. certain people that you'll never understand, and relationships that cannot grow anymore than they are. and that's just the way it goes, we cannot orce things to happen or wish things into existence, there is a greater plan that we are unaware of.

i have learned that most people, including myself, are extremely selfish, and that's just the way life is, it takes a great deal of patience, love and grace in order to be selfless and i aim for that goal, that is what we are called to do. and though i fail daily, i hope that with practice comes perfection.

i feel that this is a major turning point in my life, one where i must take chances and do things i'm worried about or else they'll never happen. i need to take advantage of the fact that i'm 20 and unattached and go explore life, to take the little money i have and aim for the sky.

if any of you are looking for a good book to read, i urge you to pick up "three cups of tea" by greg mortenson. it's absolutely wonderful.

i have a desire to make a change to go above and beyond and help people who are helpless themselves, however i don't know where to start. (any input here would be awesome). i have all these huge passions to do things but sit on my butt and just talk about them, rarely doing anything about it. i want to get things done! now is the time. :)

ok i think that's all for now, i should probably get to class. but that's where i am, woot.

2008-03-31T23:09:00.001-07:00

i'll be your best friend,
your best lover
i'll do whatever you ask
i'll give the world up for you

just don't tell me goodbye

desperate.

i'm that freaking desperate.

pathetic.

i'm that freaking pathetic.

and that's sad.

the devil's got a hold on my heart and he's fighting hard.
pray that i can seek refuge in the Lord. i'm losing this battle and it's not fun. there is a war among us, one we cannot see, and i'm in desperate need of an army to help me fight.

2008-02-13T12:31:00.001-08:00

i am a living contradiction...
a hypocrite
do as i say, not as i do
a fraud
phony
pretender
impostor
a sham

2008-02-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

at the top of a closet in an old shoe box, worn, torn and ragged with age it sat, encased with old photos, letters, dried flowers and other things of the past. thirsty, it was, for a resurrection, to be pulled from the dust and brought out into the open. it longed to provide life once again, provide joy. but it just sat there, untouched, it's name unheard, the days passed on, as did the months.

in room full of people she stood alone, she walked past, drove past, everyone, searching for it. she called for it, but it did not answer. she reached out for it, but couldn't reach far enough. she looked everywhere, searching in him, and him, and him. nothing...she yearned to find it, for it to return to where it belonged.

she dreaded sleep until her eyelids were forced shut, she would not rest. and once she fell into slumber, she never wanted to wake up, because once she awoke, the pain of reality would hit her hard.

where was the joy it brought, where was the love it bestowed.

behind her ribs, her chest ached, the hole still left empty, there was no beat, no pulse. the sunlight that tasted of nutmeg, warm and romantic, foreign, brushed her face now and then, reminding her what it felt like.

unbeknown to her, she was searching in all the wrong places.

for it was not in a place where her feet could take her, it was not a place where her hands could touch, or her eyes could see, she could not taste it, touch it, or smell it.

in His hands it waited.

2008-01-27T10:53:00.001-08:00

"so do you want to know if i'm still hung up on you?"
you make it sound so elementary
i suppose i shouldn't have expected much more
your heart's capacity to love is non existent
it's incapable of surpassing more than a crush
more than lust
and you don't even care
you're comfortable with your
mediocrity
with your half-hearted-
no-good-
advantage-taking
cycle of leading young girls on...

well live on

one day i hope it comes to bite you in the ass

so you feel what you've been dishing out all this time

eff word

2008-01-26T22:24:00.000-08:00

eff word. eff word. eff word.

i am a stupid girl.

i need a form of hope.

Jesus, give me hope.

hey what's up kare, kaaaaaaaaare, what's up kare?

2008-01-24T23:31:00.000-08:00

so i just finished off a delicious, homemade, hot-fudge, brownie sundae. and i decided i need to write. i've been bouncing things around in my head for some time now, and have just been too exhausted to sit down and write them out.

i've decided my creative writing class is part therapy. i sit in class and write, and most times we're supposed to be paying attention but i just sit and write. anything and everything that comes to my mind goes down on paper. and i like it. i'm thinking of getting a little journal so that i can fit it in my purse and carry it around with me everywhere i go, that way my thoughts won't be in my head all the time, rambling away, drivng me insane. that i can just write them down, even just single words, sometimes one word will come to my mind, and i'll just write it down, then maybe, a couple weeks later, i'll go back to it and see if i can get anything out of it *shrugs* i've done it a couple times on my cell phone but it takes forever to get it down on the notepad thingy. wow i'm retarded ;)

i've also come the the unsettling conclusion that my handwriting resembles that of a psychopath. i'm still not sure how i feel about that...

i processed my first set of negatives today, and i think it went pretty well! i'll find out tomorrow when i have to make prints from them, but so far, so good. i really really really enjoy taking pictures, and not just pointing and shooting, but really thinking through about each shot, i love it! i'm learning to be more creative in both my picture taking and my writing, i seem to be looking at everything differently and am getting more out of life it seems. maybe that's a little much but hey, whatever.

my life has been going pretty good lately, i'm happy more, and my sads aren't quite as sad, i honestly think the weather has something to do with it, could be making that up, but who knows ;) i'm going in next friday, so a week from tomorrow, to see my doc about prescribing me anti-depressants, which i think will help to level me out. not gonna lie though, it's still a little frightening, but i really do think it'll help, and i'm kind of excited to see what will happen.

wow, i've apparently come to a lot of conclusions lately. my newest one is that i feel that God has one heck of a sense of humor and that he plays it out through my life, for example, let's say God, one day, thinks to himself "today i want to laugh, so i'm going to throw a 'curve ball' at alex and see how she responds" and lately all i can do is laugh at the ridiculous things that seem to be happening.
for instance: matt, yes matt, i figured, 'yay, he's going away for school, this whole "broken heart" for lack of better term, will all be figured out, i'll simply get over him because he'll be away,' ho ho ho but no! turns out now is the time when he decides to send me random text messages such as lyrics from a dmb song, or even a text describing personal attributes of myself as beautiful. not cool, not cool at all. i mean they're just what i want to hear, the sweetest things actually, things that make my day, week even, make me smile for hours on end, heck i'm smiling now because of them. and yet i don't understand why now dangit?
not only are those things happening, but right now it seems like kayce (his older sister) and i are hanging out more and more. which is great, i love kayce and she's a great friend that i really don't deserve, but it's also a constant reminder i'm not with her brother, OH, !!!AND!!!, taryn (his twin sister) and i have been hanging out as well, which has never happened before, but i love it, i love them both to death and consider them family, but ugh! and it's like i'm a part of their family, which is fine, great even, just not easy at times.i mean really God? and i just laugh, because the irony and coincidence is overwhelming!
it doesn't help that i miss the kid like crazy, i mean it was supposed to be getting easier and it is in ways, but at the same time it's a different kind of miss. i just miss talking to him and seeing him, being his friend i suppose, hanging out and laughing.

ew, i'm such a girl. gah, sometimes i want to punch myself in the face. w/e.

i often wonder if i annoy people, like if i'm "bryan," as dane cook would put it. i wonder if i'm the girl who, when people receive a text or phone call or even if the see me, if they're just like ugh dangit it's alex, gosh i hate her ew, "oh hey alex!" yeahhhh...i wonder that often. i don't want to annoy people. i hate that person and i don't want to be it, so if i do annoy you, let me know, i won't be offended, only pissed off at myself for being so completely unaware of myself and the annoying-ness i inhibit.

oh and i made my prints in photography today. and they turned out fairly well, i've just realized i'm not as decent at taking pictures as previously thought. so i'm just going to have to work harder when i shoot pictures now, no more pointing and shooting, i actually have to think about things, which is fine, i can do that :)

ok so i think that's all for now. i'm sure something more will soon. come joy joy. i love my life.

2008-01-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

it's my birthday.
more to come later.

:D

update update

2008-01-14T00:22:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting here listening to pearl jam, amazing by the way, I'm not sure what I've been doing my entire life without it. anyway. i figured an update on my life is in order.
First off, after quitting my job at the Paper Garden in late November due to moral issues, I've been searching for a new job like crazy, and finally found one. I am currently employed at the Spokane Athletic club on 4th Ave. It's a great job and I work with wonderful people so it's really perfect. It's gonna take some time to get used to the schedule and all and I'm going to be busy all the time, but it will be nice to have money coming in again and I hope to start saving again.
Secondly, also this fall I applied to go to Simpson University in Redding, CA. It took a while for the school to get all my transcripts and other misc. forms but they finally did and I was accepted within three days!!! How exciting is that?!? So as of fall 2008 I will be a Redhawk! Its exciting but terrifying at the same time!
School at the falls this quarter is off to a good start, I absolutely love my creative writing class and I'm taking photography as well which is just as fun, but is going to take some work on my behalf, not really what I was expecting :)
But all in all, life is good!

Praise God for He is good and faithful!!!

its killin' me to stand here and see I'm not what you been dreamin' of

2008-01-13T00:27:00.000-08:00

it's so hard to accept the fact that i'm not wanted. that the person i want doesn't want me back. God, oh God! it's horrible. it's got to be one of the worst feelings ever.

i don't know how to just turn it off, i don't know how to get over you. i don't understand why it won't just go away. you seem to do it so easily which makes me wonder if you ever cared. because i know i did, i do, and it's not as easy as you make it look. and maybe you're just so good at deceiving, that its actually hard for you but you put on your facade. i just don't know.

i've never had you, and i don't understand why! why am i always just the go to girl, the girl you go to when the shit gets rough, i've seen you at your worst and yet i still never got to be yours. and it's not fair dammit! it's not fair! i just wanted you, all of you.

i don't understand why you won't let me in, i wish i knew where your heart was. i wish i knew that you feel/felt something towards me. right now i just feel like i've been walked on. all over, and that you don't give a crap!

i feel worthless and i don't know how to get that back, because i know i'm worthy in the eyes of my Lord, but why doesn't that seem enough, what am i doing wrong? why don't i feel like i'm doing anything right?

i feel like i'm the one who did something wrong, as if there could have been something that i could've done to make you want me. like there's something wrong with me. i wish i could have done enough to be right for you.

i don't understand why i'm so alone! i don't understand why i have to go through this alone. i don't understand why i don't have friends. i don't understand how i got to the point where i pushed everyone so far out of my life. all i want is to be comfortable crying to someone, i want to be weak, i want the opportunity to bare/bear? (idk) my soul to someone and be held and know that i'm loved. i want to be real.

i want to be happy.

i want to be free.

i want it all to end.

my therapist says i should look into going on anti-depressants.

that frightens me beyond all belief.

from inside out

2008-01-11T00:20:00.000-08:00

so. i went to a retreat last weekend with my kiddos from this summer. and i actually left with something. well i've been feeling it a lot lately but it was another hit to the conscience. i put off spending time with God, whether it's for sleep or for t.v. or for internet, i find it easier to do anything but that. and i'm sad about that and i wonder why i do it, because i always feel so much better after i've spent time in the truth or in prayer. and i have a desire to do it, but it seems like my desire is overcome by earthly things. boo. i recently heard the song "inside out" originally done but hillsong but i heard it by jeff johnson and it hit me. and i was really glad, because it's kinda what i want to happen to me. no it is all of what i want to happen to me. i want to be completely satisfied with all that He has to offer, and not look towards earthly relationships to fill that void that i have. i have a God sized hole in my heart that i need to seek to be filled. i can't expect things to happen if i don't take the first step.

"A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out"

prayer would be appreciated for me to buck up and chose God first, rather than last.

2008-01-01T13:24:00.000-08:00

i wrote this in June, and was thinking about it, i'm kinda in the same boat again, i don't really like this boat, i kinda wish there were life boats so i could get the heck off. but alas i must ride through the storm...

stay with me

whoever said this life would be easy
i've never been told it wouldn't be tough
but sometimes i wonder
if it will ever lighten up

will the troubles fade away
the stress disappear
the hurt and breaking end
a bright light soon appear?

i'm given a hand
someone to hold onto
yet it doesn't seem sufficient
only enough to pull me through

to love is to be
i am well aware
infatuation is oxygen
essential as air

so why is it so difficult
to give all that i am
to the only hand
that even gives a damn

the One who's there
when i can't make it through
the One who offers everything
and the only One who stays true

i'll grab life by its horns
and i'll ride through the end
keep on keeping on
rounding every bend

becuase He died so i may live
so i have to live this life
no matter how "rough" it is

because:

i'm not being beaten

i'm not starving

i have a roof over my head

friends and family who love me

and i'd take a bullet for you all, no question in my mind

stay with me and my crazy self.
i'm a nutcase and bit on the psycho side.
and my heart is a fortress, i've built up the walls, there's barbed wire too, but its coming down, slowly but surely it will fall.
so don't give up yet, hold me when i cry and stand beside me when i fall.
i'll trust you until you break it, and even then i'm sure i'll come back, because i love to love.
and there's something in you that's captured me, and once captured i'm not easily swayed.
so stay with me.

all you need is love.

2008-01-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

so it's 1:11 am, make wish? Happy 2008 all :) eight is my favorite number, maybe that's good luck. we'll see. so far it hasn't been so great.

i spent today with kendra which was really good, we haven't hung out for while, it was nice. i really do love her, she's the bestest friend ever :)

then we went to dinner with some family friends and my dad and his gf. that was good and there was toooooooooons of food, ate myself silly. then kendra went to her bf's house and i went to my friend jenn's and we chose to watch "Love Actually" which is really quite adorable. I love that movie so very very much. it gives me hope.

so in the middle of the movie i was still feeling really full and sat up to go to the bathroom, then decided i felt really sick instead of full, and i hate throwing up, HATE, and so i was trying to talk my self out of it and as i was doing that i took off my scarf and lip ring (just in case) turns out i couldn't talk myself out of it, and ended up puking for about five minutes straight (i realize that's not that long but, i haven't thrown up in like 10 years, i swear it. i don't like it at all.) and this is not just "oh i just threw up," this is projectile-vomiting, coming out of my nose, nastiness. ew.

so we finish the movie, both a little teary eyed, but doing good and we go up stairs to get ready for the ball to drop. it does, we toast, its sweet.

then i decide it'd be HI-LARIOUS to pretend i'm drunk and prank call people. oh my goodness. sssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooo funnay! hahahahhahaha so yeah jenn and i are cracking up, yeah and apparently we're 12 it's ok, we've come to terms with it. needless to say we had a blast. yay for cool people

so we chat and finish our cider, well i had cider, jenn had champagne, which i tasted and think is disgusting, honestly, ew.

so i decide to come home. and i'm on the phone with aaron at my house and realize i'm going to puke again, so immediately hang up with him, and start puking, which i thought couldn't happen, considering i puked up everything i had eaten within the last three days earlier, ok so maybe not that much but ugh ew. and so i finish that, try to call my mom, cuz i'm sick and i want my mom, but she doesn't answer, my sister went to bed cuz she has to work tomorrow, so i'm not gonna call her, tyler, thankfully is online so i don't feel completely alone, but daaaaaaang, being sick and alone is like a billion times worse.

so now all i can smell is vomit and i'm debating taking pills so i can sleep or if i should just attempt and lie down. but the dreams suck so i'm thinking a mild coma would be nice.

i hate new years, and most of it boils down to the fact that i hate being alone. and i don't mean physically, i mean emotionally, like relationship wise. i need to work on that. i need to be content with where i am in my life. it's just difficult when i don't see any hope. i don't see anyone that i'm interested in, therefore i refuse to believe there's someone out there that i haven't met, that could do me any good. i'm looking forward to living with my dogs or cats and being with them for the rest of my life. woot. :) bahahahha. ok so i'm not that bad but. sheesh i need to get a grip on this life.

that i suppose is my new years resolution, to be content with the person God has made me, and be satisfied with the love and grace that He provides. i do not need earthly anything, He is enough.

you know what Matthew, i miss you. and i miss the man i saw in you. and the way you used to kiss me. and i miss the way you used to look at me. and the way you always used to know how to lighten up my day. the way you'd grab me and kiss me. or roll over in bed and hold me. i miss your random texts. and i miss being the one you wanted. and life is a bitch and i'll get over this again, i've done it, how many times? yeah. and you say i'm a defeatist and all that, and that i'm just negative nancy, but that's just a lie. you don't want me, i honestly wonder if you ever wanted me or if you just wanted someone. and that hurts, but i'm not the defeatist here, there's only so long i can hold on to you, only so long i can take you ignoring me, i may be crazy, but i am certainly not dumb, nor ignorant, i know when i'm being ignored or when stuff is happening, or when you lie to me. and i hope one day you find whoever you're looking for, and i hope she can make your grey skies blue and for some reason it's difficult for me to realize that that person isn't me, but i want you to be happy. i care about you and i want what's best for you, if it's not me, i'm gonna have to deal with that. and i'll learn how to, God will change my heart. i have faith. but it doesn't take away the hurt and the missing, and the lack of communication from you. "my wasted heart will love you."

now i'm tired and my tummy is feeling a bit better so i'm going to attempt sleep.

good night to all. and to all a good night.

as my therapist would say. "hfny."

or

happy effin' new year!

happy effing new year eh?

2007-12-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

someone told me that i bring out the worst in them. that they do not act the way they do around me around anyone else, therefore a friendship will never happen.

i don't know how to respond to that...

i found this quote, thought it was good, especially for the new year, i'm sure there will be more to this post later tonight. i feel the need to write but need to go to dinner.

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. "

i found this picture today

2007-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

and i liked it, so i thought i'd share. it was a headline for msn news or whatever you call it. the headline had something to do with adultery but i didn't read that i just liked the picture. enjoy.

I'm movin' on

2007-12-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

Jeff Johnson Band-I'm Movin' On
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on"

I can't waste anymore time missing someone that doesn't miss me back.

I can't waste another moment fighting for someone who isn't cheering for me to win.

I don't have the time nor the energy to love someone who won't love me back,
and it doesn't mean I don't still care, it just means, there will be no more effort put into something that isn't giving effort back.

Relationships are two sided, I learned that from my parents. I can't be the only one trying to make this work.

I deserve more than you, don't take offense, I'm just saying, you don't want to put effort into it, and I deserve someone who will.

I deserve all of someone, not just a little bit for a little while, and I'm mad at myself for putting up with mediocrity.

I'm no one's plan b, or second string.

because being someone's second choice sucks, knowing that I'm not want you want is hard, and it hurts,
it hurts knowing that someone doesn't want you.

but i'll get over it.

i'm a strong girl, and one day, that MAN will come along, and i won't have to second guess everything he says, who i can trust, with my whole heart, who i know will always be there, through thick and thin, who will challenge me in my walk with Christ, who isn't afraid to live out loud for Christ.

it's all so incredibly easier said than done, i'm not sure why this is so hard. i mean i don't understand how you go from being friends with someone to completely stop talking to them. it's difficult to understand how caring for someone can just stop, like a switch for some people, while for others it's an extremely difficult task to overcome. oof.

gah
ok i'm done now.

the man in the mirror

2007-12-27T01:24:00.000-08:00

i started a new devotional today, actually i think it's the first one i've ever done, i've always looked at them in the store and wanted to do one, but never really had the time or the motivation to pick one up, well now i have both :)

usually i don't read the introductions to books because i find them boring, but i read this one and it was absolutely amazing, here's some quotes that i thought were convicting:

first off it starts off with a quote from James (my favorite book in the Bible)

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves, then. to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. (James 4:6-8)"
we are called to humble ourselves, which i think is something extremely difficult for most of the human beings these days. i find that the average human being has this superiority complex in which they think everything they do is the holiest of holys. but it's not. there will always be someone who is better than us, we are no better than the man standing next to us. ever. sure you may be smarter than someone, or more athletic than someone else, but no matter what you'll never be the best at what you do. so rather than hold yourself up higher than you should, humble yourself to the Lord and give Him thanks for all that He has gifted you with.

"The partially surrendered life may be Christian in spirit, but it is secular in practice. It may save one's soul, but it hardly leaves a noticeable ripple on one's lifestyle, life view, or the world and culture in which we live. Of what earthly value is Christianity if it leaves no indelible mark on one's lifestyle. It is of no value (in this life) to be Christian if you do not think Christianly-if you do not have a Christian life view." (pg 2)
this excerpt is the one that hit me the hardest, the author makes a fantastic point here. what is the purpose of living this life as a Christian if we're only doing it half heartedly? it is ridiculous to think that it's worthwhile to be a Christian but not live Christianly.

"Over the past few decades, many of us started off on the wrong foot with Jesus Christ. It is the proposition that Jesus can be Saviour without being Lord." (pg 2)
this is something that i have just come to realize within the last year or so, my host dad from two summers ago said something to this effect and it blew my mind, i had never ever thought of a difference, as accepting Him as my Saviour versus accepting Him as my Lord. Anyone can accept for salvation sake, but we are called to live our lives with Him as our Lord, the "ruler" of every thought and action we make.

"The problem is that we often seek the God we want, but do not know the God that is." (pg 2)

"To surrender is to be so completely preoccupied with Christ that you hunger for your life to reflect His life as though in a mirror. No one, of course, will achieve a true full surrender in this life, but that in no way negates His call on us to be perfect. Jesus said "'Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect'"(Matthew 5:48.)" (pg 3)
i have always fought with this concept, and continue to go back on forth on my position, but i think deep down i've always known the truth. we are called to be perfect and to copy our heavenly Father, this does not mean that we will achieve perfection, because we all know we won't, but it does not mean we shouldn't strive to do so.

"The irony of surrender is that it ends in victory, not defeat." (pg 3)

"Surrender means not only that we surrender to something, but also that we surrender from some things." (pg 3)
whenever we add something important to our life we have to take away something as well, our lives can only take so much within them. if we want to live fully for Christ we must surrender certain things that used to take up valuable time.

Praise the Father of the heavens, for He is good, righteous and loving. :)

Devotions for the Man in the Mirror. Patrick Morley.

today

2007-12-23T21:24:00.000-08:00

today started off absolutely fantastic. woke up. opened presents. ate breakfast, that ryan prepared. went to church. heard a good message. then...
came home and kendra and ryan left to go to his gma's. which they invited me to, i declined. no thanks. um lets see sat around and i've been watching movies since i've been home, so for about 10 hours i've been watching pirated movies online, paaaaaaaaathetic. oh wait, i went outside and smoked a cigar, might do that again... i'm waiting for another movie to load now...mr. brooks, looks good.
i was surfing the web and found this shirt on www.despair.com hahhaha thought it fit my mood.

i do have some good news though. travis and i are most likely going to portland this weekend to get his truck. that should be fun.

and i talked to aaron, who at first, blew up on me for not telling him how low my life has been lately, but gave me some homework, which i'm excited about, it should help me to get out of this rut that i'm in. he has assigned me to read: the book of John, well some of it anyway, and also to read Job. Aaron made a good point, if God can deliver Job from everything that he's gone through, he can surely deliver me from the trivial things i'm going through.

Praise Jesus. I'm going to watch my movie now. woot.

it's starting to come down

2007-12-20T23:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how i got to this point in my life.

I don't know when i lost my confidence and my self esteem.

I can't place when they went away and all i was filled with was doubt and insecurity.

I'm not talking about physical beauty, I know God made me beautiful in His eyes and those are the only ones that matter.

I'm talking about an emotional drought, I've never felt this weak in my life, OK maybe once. yeah, two years ago, but i had people to help me through, well no, now that i think of it, I had God to get me through, and maybe that's why I'm going through this all over again, maybe He's trying to show me that I can't accomplish anything on my own. Whatever it is I don't like it.

I feel as though I'm failing on a daily basis.
To what standards I hold myself to, I do not know.

But failure is a reoccurring feeling.

I've never been the girl who lacked self confidence or lacked strength, and faith, and knowledge that I could overcome, I've never been the one to doubt in my God, or fear to go to Him.

I feel so lost and so helpless and so trapped, unwanted, used, unappreciated, a failure, incapable, unworthy, unfaithful to my God, fake, weak, alone. I feel so much more but don't know the words to express it. Unable to breathe, nauseous. Emotional pain so strong it becomes physical.

I've never been the one to cry myself to sleep.

I don't like who I've become, I despise weakness.

I feel as though I can't be weak, I feel as though I am required to be strong in any and all circumstances. I am to keep the facade that I've got my shit together. I feel it's my job, my duty to be the strong one, for my brother, for my sister, for my dad, for my mom. To hold on and keep going. Even when that going seems to be impossible.

I feel I become a burden if i show weakness. I feel that other people don't need to be weighted down with whatever trivial problem I'm going through. My problems aren't big and therefore I shouldn't be complaining, they shouldn't be problems. I'm well off and I know it.

I feel I only bring people down. That if I admit or start to admit I'm feeling weak, that it's only going to burden others, unnecessarily.

I feel as if there's not really anyone I can turn to because I feel such a burden.

And so I push people away, I get close, but not too close. Because if I get too close then they'll see me, they'll see I'm weak and won't want me anymore. They'll see I'm not who I pretend to be and realize that who I really am is a person they really don't want to know. So I build up a wall, a really tall wall, with barbed wire, and things that cause pain, just so that people can't get close, and if they do, I've got an artillery to launch arrows at them. No one's getting in and that makes me sad, because all I want is someone to see me for me and still want me.

I'm starting to talk myself into circles and my thoughts are becoming redundant. So, I'll stop now. I'm sure there will be more tomorrow. Or even more tonight. We'll see.

Pray. For my soul. It needs help. I need help. Real help, not that fake shit that people pretend to care just so they look like caring people. But the kind where I don't feel like a burden if I call at 3 in the morning and the only thing I can do is cry...

seriously people

2007-12-19T21:23:00.001-08:00

alright. so.

first off. if you're going to leave comments on my page, have the balls to say who you are. anonymity is childish. if you have something to say, stand behind it. then possibly something can be resolved of the issue.

second off. this blog is for me. it's for ME! to vent and for me to release stuff going on in my life.(hence the header at the beginning of the blog). if i wanted advice, which i usually don't because i'm stubborn, i'd ask for it. i go to therapy and i talk to people when i want that crap. i write when i want to vent.

if you don't like it, don't read it!

and for those of you who are threatening me, wow, grow up. "what goes around, comes around"? are you serious? how old are we?

i understand i'm not perfect and i understand i'm probably one of the most selfish people in the word and that i'm completely hypocritical. but chill the eff out. sometimes i just need to vent and sometimes i feel like writing down what's going on in my life and things that i'm observing. i am not all knowing, i am not perfect, i cannot be either of those.

other times i want to write about good things, i want to express myself and the things going on in my life, and sometimes people want to read that and sometimes they want to comment.

i don't care if you comment, i actually like it, it gives me a chance to grow, but please, this is me opening myself and laying out my emotions, if you want to say something, don't be hurtful, don't be rude, if it's negative, it's negative but have the guts to say it and to stand behind what you say, so that maybe, just maybe, i can understand where you're coming from and try to change. i'm not promising, i'm a pretty prideful person, but at least give me the chance.

irvine

2007-12-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

this is a song by kelly clarkson
it's unofficially my official prayer for my life.

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you’re here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay ‘til the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can’t you just take me?
I don’t have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What’s it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?

you wouldn't like me when i'm angry

2007-12-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

first off i want to say this blog is about multiple people in my life. MULTIPLE. not one, not two, MANY.

so over the past couple months not only through my own perceptions, but through the perceptions of others, i have come to the conclusion that i am an angry person.

so i thought about it, trying to figure out why, why i get so angry over silly things. and i realized that i bottle up all my emotions and turn them into anger. granted yeah i'm still sad at times and i get upset but usually it turns into anger. i don't know that i completely understand why, but this is one thought that's crossed my mind.

it is so completely and utterly inconceivable for me to understand intentionally making choices that will hurt other people. it's one thing to make a decision not knowing the outcome and not knowing the effect it will have on other people, but to make a decision knowing full well the consequences, the pain, that will be inflicted upon one or multiple other people is beyond comprehension.

i cannot understand how people can put every little thing they do in order to please themselves and completely disregard any one else.

now this is not a rant on everyone being selfish. because i am perfectly aware that i am about as hypocritical and selfish as they come. and i understand that people make mistakes, i do. but what i don't understand is repetitive blatant neglect towards the feelings and emotion of another human being.

it makes me wonder if, when you wake up in the morning are you able to look yourself in the mirror and say, "you are a good person, the choices you make/have made are the right ones," and honestly believe it. and if you can, props to you. props to being ok with walking over people and their hearts. can you honeslty look yourself in the eyes and be ok with what you see? because i know that personally i hate making other people feel like crap, i cannot handle knowing that i am personally responsible for pain inflicted on the heart of another person.

it seems i've always struggled with seeing other people hurt and i wish i could take all their pain upon myself. and i understand that each person must endure pain and hardship so that they can become a strong person, and that all of us are going to have rough times, but what i cannot fathom is how people can be the cause of that pain.

now i'm just getting repetetive and most likely boring all who read this, which is like two people. ok i'm done.

peace out people.

remember to love first, put others before yourself, live to love and love to live.

"it is easier to please the world, than it is to please myself" kind of the motto i live by. i'd much rather the people around me be happy than do things to make myself happy. smile. don't forget to smile.

I am from

2007-12-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

I am from canned peaches, from Legos and Chaps.

I am from the house on the hill, 60 acres of wonderment and the smells of beauty. From open skys and open roads.

I am from the sweet alfalfa in the field, and the rosebushes in the front yard.

I am from Grandma's cookie jar and from strength and weakness, from my dad, from my mom.

I am from the jokes that aren't funny and real life stories that leave you laughing for days, from warnings of the boogy man and fairytales of dreams coming true.

I am from going to church on Easter and Christmas. To living each day for the One who lived, fought, and died for me.

I'm from two black-sheep California natives, turned Spokanites, 8oz steaks and fresh grown veggies.

From the man who hunted in the deserts of Baha, and rumaged the jungles of Africa, the woman who started fresh and new, made her own name for herself, both who overcame.

I am from the ranch, the stars, the city, the lights.

From the strength of a God who loves and teaches to love.

From anger and peace, despair and hope, questions and answers, pain and comfort.

I am from LOVE, love like no other, love undefined, love unexplainable. Love of a Father who'll always catch me when I fall, hold me close when I cry, and push me when I need a shove.

I love where I am from but I'm in love with where I am going.

Thank you Summer, this was definitely fun to do :)
If anyone else wants to do it here's the site for the template: http://www.swva.net/fred1st/wif.htm

paranoia

2007-12-10T20:35:00.000-08:00

i despise feeling like people are lying to me.
i hate it.
i do not enjoy it one bit.

i don't know if i'm paranoid, or if it's a real gut feeling, but either way, i detest it.

i learned a new word today :)

imprecate.
i like it. planning on using it. it means to invoke evil on or to curse.

yeaaahhhh.

that is all for tonight. well at least for now.

fight for me!

2007-12-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

if you want me.

tell me.

fight for me.

if you lose me.

fight harder.

no matter what i say, i want you to fight.

i want to know you care enough to fight.

i need to know.

i have to pretend i'm strong, pretend i'm moving on,
we both know i do better with things when i say them out loud.

please, just fight for me!

you've got to be kidding me

2007-12-03T10:55:00.000-08:00

men are pigs plain and simple. mmw don't take this towards you, this is all you cz, that's right. i'm not using names for real but the people who need to know will know.
boy you're just as bad as what you told me not to fall for! and you did it to my sister. that is not gonna fly!

at least he knows what he did and knows who he is, you're just pretending to be someone else, and that's disgusting. i hope you're happy.

ba-humbug! you've got to be kidding me that all this crap just happened!

i couldn't get out of bed this morning, i mean i did, to put my clothes in the dryer and then i went right back to my warm flannel sheets and fell asleep, skipping all three of my classes. and idk if that was the best idea considering i dream about him and the dreams are not good ones.
when i think about it i get sick to my stomach, i almost threw up last night, it was horrible. horrible. i just need him.

I don't love you baby
Don't love you at all
I don't want you baby
Don't want you at all
I fear it's worse than that
I fear it's worse than that

I need you, I need you baby
This craving makes me crazy
I'm dying inside
Baby make up your mind

I need you, I need you baby
I'm holding on but barely
I'm dying inside
When I cannot hide my need

I don't miss you baby
Don't miss you tonight
I don't want to hold you
Don't want to touch you just right
I fear it's worse than that
I fear it's worse than that

How could you just walk away
Nonchalant and unafraid
It feels to me like you just took my soul

I need you, I need you baby
I'm holding on but barely
I'm dying inside
When I cannot hide my need
Oh need, Oh Need

unfathomable

2007-12-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

it is entirely unfathomable for me to understand that one human being can blatantly lie to another human being. yes, a little white lie, we all do it, it happens. but when a lie is so big it consumes your life it's ridiculous. when you have the audacity to sit and figure out an entire story/lie, you have a serious problem and should seek help.

the times before this yeah, it wasn't as bad, but this time i feel that everything is so fubar-ed, and that sucks because i wanted you so bad and i had hope, hope that you had changed.
but alas. i put too much hope into you again. i built you up to be what i know you can be, but who you fail to be.
and that's sad for both of us.
me, because i was let down again and hurt miserably.
you, because you have to live with it.

my intention is not to bash you in any way shape or form. my intention is to show you how i feel, granted you are unlikely going to read this, and that's ok with me, i'm just venting, because you know what. i don't need people to talk to, i'm not one to rely on other people to make me feel better in situations, i just need to get out all the feelings that i feel and whether that's through ranting on other people or sitting and writing it all out on this stupid blog i'll do it.

boy, i wanted to love you. wanted to be yours.
but that didn't make you want me. and as hard as that is for me to accept, i'm going to have to. i'm going to have to get over the fact that people who appreciate me for who i am are far and few between, and people who want me are ever less frequent than that. gosh that's a depressing fact.

how is it that we are given the capability to love someone who does not love you in return? that might be one of the hardest things i've ever encountered, and i'm not talking about boys necessarily here, i'm talking about everyone, friends, family, etc.
why!?! why do i have such strong feelings for people who can continuously throw my heart around?
God! why?
why is it that all i want is still you? why is that i still remember the way you taste and the way you feel and that's all i want? i understand it's, what, two days after? but i really hope this gets easier, or i'm in for one heck of a long life.

my life has been threatened more in the last two days than ever in my life, and all because of my emotions towards you. and i can't understand it!?! i don't understand why and where people get off telling me who i can see or who i can talk to! are you kidding me people? i can't decide who i love! i cannot decide who my heart falls for! do not threaten me! i understand you care for me, i understand it's out of love that you say these things.

i don't even know where i'm going anymore with this.

all i know is.

last night as i lay in bed, trying to sleep, my eyes hurt from forcing them shut, and as i heard the rain/snow hitting the cold window all i could think of was your face, your smile, your eyes, your taste, your touch, waking up to you next to me, sleeping so peacefully :)

i wonder if someday, a long way down the road, we will try this again and it will actually work. i wonder...in a way i hope. not enough to not move on though. i'm going do my best to move on.

i wish i knew how you felt about this situation. where you stood, where your heart was, if it was even in this. so if you read this let me know.

i'm done. i'm so tired. physically and emotionally. i haven't cried that hard in a long long time, it felt good. weird i know.
but...

"i'd rather bleed with cuts from love, than to live without any scars."

pet peeve ftl

2007-12-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

today sucked.
most hardcore.
i'm not even going to go into detail.
because details don't matter.

i was let down by two people in my life that i hold to the utmost esteem.

names, as well, are unnecessary.

it seems i have a knack for putting too much of myself into relationships. allowing myself to receive pain and heartache more than the average person.

--it's difficult to watch someone kill himself, to watch him throw away relationships with friends and family because he is unable to let go of pain caused by his past. we all have pain, we all have heartache, life is hard, no one, NO ONE! ever said this thing we call life, would be easy. true, some peoples' hardships are harder than others. but no matter who you are, at one point in your life you will be faced with something seemingly unbearable.

a true test of character is if you can take on that challenge and use it for gain, or if you'll take it and use it as an excuse for the rest of your life for every action that you take.

one of the very first things given to us by our Heavenly Father was freedom of choice, the ability to make decisions for ourselves. so make a choice, but remember, we live with the consequences of each choice we make for the entirety of our life, so chose wisely.

--being let down is a fact of life. i understand that no matter what, i'll always be let down and i wonder if that's partly my fault. do i set too high of expectations for people? is seeing people in their highest potential and holding them to that standard legitimate, or is it unfair? i don't know if i'm explaining this correctly...if i look at someone and expect something out of them, such as oh idk...to follow through with what they say that they'll do...is that a ridiculous expectation?

if someone says, "yes i will go with you, text me when you're ready" and i text them and get no response for hours...am i in the wrong to be upset? or how about when someone says they "want to hang out" and that they'll "call when they get back into town", and hours go by...and i call and they're home, watching the game, and say they "maybe want to hang out after the game"...am i wrong to be upset? i honestly don't care if you don't want to hang out, well to some extent way deep down i might be slightly upset and i'll get over it, but i'd much rather you just say it to my face that you don't want to hang out so that i can plan other stuff or no be so pissed when you fail to do what you say you'll do!

i don't expect you to drive into town every single time we hang out, i have a car too, i don't mind driving out there. i don't care if we do anything special either.
i could sit and watch you play WoW for 52 hours straight and be happy, or we could watch SportsCenter over and over, i could do anything and i still wouldn't care, as long as i'm with you.

you are so amazing, and wonderful and fantastic and every other adjective to describe greatness, and you say the sweetest things to me, i just want to die you make me so happy. but then you do stuff like this and i second guess if you want to be with me, and i know to some extent that's not fair, but at the same time, you have to see where i'm coming from.

a year ago this was where we were and it didn't end so great...i don't want to get hurt again, and i know i've said this to you before and i know you get aggravated when i bring it up but understand that i think that we could be something amazing, something spectacular, something for others to gawk at, that's right i said gawk, but sometimes i need some reassurance that we're moving along forward,
that you and i,

just you and i,

are good.
=====================================================================================
edit to post 1:54 am same night

it wasn't just you and i

deep down i knew it

knew you were playing me

and sir

you've lost

two lovely ladies, you've lost out on a chance of a lifetime.

tough luck for you. try finding someone to go to now. you've aided in ruining the friendships you had with your wingmen, and now you've lost the only two who stood by you.

and i don't care if this scares you, you probably won't even read this so honestly it doesn't matter. but what i felt, no, what i feel towards you can only be described as love. i don't know any other way to describe it.

and you threw that away. you threw away the fact that i'd stand behind you no matter what, that i'd do anything to make you happy, i'd drop everything just to see you smile.

and i'm broken and i don't think i can talk to you, not for a long, long time. i want to, you're the first person i wanted to talk to when i found out, but i can't, i can't talk to you, can't message you, can't text you, can't see you. i can't. i want to so badly just to hear your voice. but i can't.

you hurt me, for the last time you hurt me. and yeah we weren't dating, we weren't official, but you led me to believe that i was the only one you were with. and you lied to me! you lied to me about where you were, and who you were with, and it breaks my heart that i trusted you.

and i can't hate you, there's no way, but i want you to know that i'm disappointed in you. i'm disappointed that you've failed once more to prove to be the man that i know you are. failed to care enough about me, not to hurt me. and no i'm not blaming this all on you, hell you'd think i would've learned, apparently not. we're both at fault, but you still did the hurting kiddo. i'm not really sure how you can live with yourself, i really must've made it easy for you to walk all over me, and i hate myself for that, but i still can't believe you did it. the fact that you don't see anything wrong with what you did was probably the biggest blow to my heart. you don' even care!

good luck with all that you do. i honestly want you to succeed. you are truly amazing and you'll achieve great things. just be careful of who's heart your trampling in the process.

good night love.

let me in

2007-11-30T06:59:00.000-08:00

words can't describe the way i feel
when you pull me close to you,
your warm body against mine.
or when you look at me with those eyes,
and when you grab me,
any part of me,
every part of me,
my heart skips a beat.

and your kisses,
oh your kisses.

i want you to want me,
and if you do
i need you to show me

i'm insecure and i'm crazy,
and i need you to show that you want me,
because i want you,
all of you.

i don't need all your time,
i don't want all your time,
we both have lives.

but i want you to be in my life,
and i want to be in yours.

both our lives are on the brink of change,
yours sooner than mine.
and i understand you're leaving,
but i've wanted you for so long,
and you're so close now,

yet you feel so far away.

let me in!

i need you to let me in.
to pull down your walls,
open yourself up
and
let
me
in.

side note--good song--Miranda Lambert-There's A Wall

edit to "new years resolution"

2007-11-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

i'm taking back my resolution. yeah idk if i'm allowed to do that, but since i made it up i can take it away. because seriously who does that? who's stupid like that and sets time limits and dates to something so unpredictable? yeah well apparently i do. gah.
anyway i'm letting God have it. i'm not making the rules :) He is.

stupid stupid self.

2007-11-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

i did it again. i let myself do it again. and i got hurt.
DUH.
inside i honestly think i knew it would happen, i knew that what i was doing was not right.
and yet i did it.
i let my self open up, let him in. let him kiss me,

and dang could he kiss me

and then, when i was ready, he left.

he walked out the door.

dang.

you'd think a person would learn. after so many times of being hurt by the same person, you'd think i'd get a hint.
and right now i'd say never again will i do that, but honestly who believes that?
who believes that if he came back to my door right now i would tell him off?
huh?
i don't even believe myself and i'm the one saying it.
and if i get even one "i told you so" i'm done.
i.am.done.
i won't talk to you anymore. because you know what?
I KNOW! I AM COMPLETELY AWARE THAT I SET MYSELF UP FOR THE HURT THAT I AM/WILL ENDURE.

but who are you to judge. people who say i told you so have low self-esteem, they just have to get that last word in to show that they are right. and that's sad.
well whoopdie-freaking-do! you were right!
you.were.right.
right now i don't need someone to show off, and to prove they're right. i know it. i need someone to let me cry to them. to let me bawl and not say anything at all.

because you know what?

...his kisses made everything better, and when he pulled me to him, i'd lose my breath for that brief moment, and when he looked in my eyes i could FEEL him. and when he was around me i was happy.
so yeah, i got my heart broken, but for some reason i don't regret it and my heart doesn't harbor hate towards him or this situation. that's who he is, it's what he does, and i ALWAYS want what i can't have.
yeah i'm pissed and yeah i'm hurt. but there's no regrets here.
because.
all i wanted was to be with him, more than anything. i wanted to be his. for him to want me. want to be with me. as meredith grey would say "pick me, chose me, love me!" wow, how pathetic is that, i reference t.v. shows to my real life.

and i sit here and i think of you, Summer, and one year when you were in germany you sent us this wonderful little valentine and in it was this poem or w/e and i think about it almost daily.
"Everyone wants to give themselves completely to someone--to have a deep, good, relationship with another--to be loved thoroughly, exclusively. But God, to a Christian says,
"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone--with giving yourself totally and reservedly to Me alone--having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united completely with one another until you are united completely with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longing. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing--one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you! Just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am and bring. Be patient in all that you do.
Don't be anxious! Don't worry! Don't look around at the things others have received from me. Don't look at the things you want, just keep looking up to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far greater than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, and the one I have planned for you is ready, and until you are both satisfied with Me and the life I want you to have, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me--a perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer!
Know that I love you utterly, I am God Almighty. Believe it and be satisfied!"
---St. Anthony of Padua

and i wish that i could read that and that it would fill my heart and my mind and that i could be satisfied with knowing that God is enough. but my human stupidity gets in the way. and i can't imagine someone that can't physically hold me be sufficient enough. bah. i'm so human. so dumb.

it's a new day. well tomorrow will be :) and i'm changing my life. i'm gonna go to church, for the first time in months and i'm gonna worship and i'm gonna start living my life for what i say i live my life for.

a brilliant dance

2007-11-04T22:11:00.001-08:00

my good friend. Billy.
or as everyone else calls him William.
William Shakespeare.
ok so we're not good friends, but i'd like to think that if i lived in his time period or he in mine, we would be :)
simply states.
"the course of true love never did run smooth." oh lysander.

well i have a couple of responses to that:
a)why the heck not? if it's something that we're all supposed to find and it's supposed to be this fantastic thing why isn't it easy?
b)where the heck did we get this idea in our head that it should be so easy?
c)what is true love?

ok now i have responses to my previous responses (wow my mind is running in a roundabout sort of crazy way):
a)the reason we have to fight for it, the reason it's hard, is because we have to make sure it's what we really want, we have to make sure that it's worth fighting for, because if it's not, it will fail. it will not last and it will just have been a long lingering waste of time.
b)i'm still not sure i know where this idea came from, it probably just comes from the innate human longing for everything in life to be easy, for us not to work for anything. well if you don't work for it, you're not deserved of it. end of story.
c)true love, well this is my opinion of certain aspects true love must have.
a love where you'll do anything and everything for the other person, no matter the cost to you.
a love that you cannot put into words. one you try to explain but once attempted you fail miserably.
a love that leaves you longing for more at every single moment, but a love that can fulfill every desire you've ever possessed.
a love where you can talk about your frustrations, things that anger you, and get over them, rather than let them sit and fester because of your fear hurting that person with your words.
a love where you can listen to criticism and use it to change yourself for the better.
a love where your attraction is not only physical but emotional, spiritual, chemical, an attraction on every level, one that grows every moment.
a love where you see that look in their eyes where you know, you just know, that they like what they see. the joy is pouring out of them, and it's because they're looking at you :)
a love where leaving is the hardest part. "where breathing is a foreign task, thinking's just too much to ask."
(more to come later, battery dying)

2007-10-31T23:15:00.000-07:00

to be or not to be,
is the question that comes to me

repeating itself in my head,
coming to mind as i lay in bed

i cannot explain what it means,
over and over, like a machine

it twists in my heart, so superficial,
causing drought and nothing beneficial

"what does it mean?" my heart wonders,
"everything and yet still nothing," a voice like thunder...

down

2007-10-27T16:58:00.001-07:00

So, i got this cd earlier this week, and i was listening through and came across this song. and unfortunately i feel as though this song might reflect me and my current self...oh sheesh.
I'm not saying it's a good thing by any means, actually it's not good, not good at all
but what is,
is.

--Down-Miranda Lambert--

Down is where I'm goin'
Pain is what I'm showin'
Love is what I'm takin'
Heart's what I'm breakin'

Strong man lived like a jackson hole
Took my heart and broke my soul
Left a dark place in my chest
I sleep but I don't rest

Met a boy in Baton Rouge
Eyes were clear and his heart was true
Made the boy's heart scream my name
But he didn't know the game

You don't want to be standin' there
When the storm hits you won't have a prayer
My wind will blow you to your knee
Stay away from me

:)

2007-10-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

i just want to say. i love life right now. i am very happy.

10/10

2007-10-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

ok so those of you who don't know, i have made a "new years resoulution." and yes i'm aware it's october, but, the resolution ends jan 1, 2008.

i'm not dating anyone until then.

nothing. no dinner. no movie. nothing not dating.

i have a lot of stuff that i need to figure out and i need to become who i want, before i can be with someone else. and i'm not saying that on that date i will be ready to date, i'm just saying that it's going to take me at least that long to figure this stuff out. nor am i attempting to sound arrogant acting as though men are lining up to date me. i do not believe that nor do i want it to happen.

i despise being hit on. i just want to be your friend. if i want something more. i will inform you :)

and...i am no longer settling. it's all or nothing baby. and i realize that easier said than done, but i'm going to attempt. i'm no longer taking 7-9/10s its 10/10 or nothing at all. if i have to grow up to be the old cat lady i'm ok with that, as long as i know in my heart i refused to settle! that's it for now. peace be with you.

oh and happy birthday john ;)

oh colbie sing your heart out

2007-09-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry it’s taking me so long
To find out what I’m feeling
I wonder if it will come to me
Maybe not
Maybe not
Because?

Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show

friend: a favored companion, one that is not hostile

2007-09-01T15:29:00.001-07:00

yesterday i went to my mom's work after an interview in town and we were sitting around talking and the subject of friendship came up.
now, i don't ever completely discredit my mom's opinion, and i'm not saying she's dumb, but there have been times where i question her intelligence, sorry mom... however this was not one of them.
i have been struggling with a friendship lately and my mom asked me this question:
"does being in this friendship make you a better person, are you a good person when you are around them?"
and it actually made me think for a second.
sadly to say i think we all go on living with a lot of our friendships as mediocre, we become unaware of whether or not these relationships are good for us or if they are making us grow, we just get stuck in them and continue living with them just how they are.
and it's not even just friendships, it's any relationship we have in our lives.
is it worth having if you're not getting anything out of it, if we're not a good person when around those people?
i say no. no way should we put up with mediocrity, no way should we accept anything less than what we deserve, and what we deserve are relationships that grow us and make us excellent people, relationships where we don't feel pressured to be something that we are not, where we are not broken down but where we are built up, relationships where we can be all that we are and are accepted for all that we are.
:)

"you a preacher?"

2007-08-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

"there's sin in my heart and there's evil in the world, but when i got no one, i talk to God, i ask for strength, i ask forgiveness, not for peace at the end of my days when i have no more life to live and no more good to do."
--Black Snake Moan

she's got that itch ya know. she's got the sickness. she just goes crazy.

2007-08-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

i have a problem. like a serious problem...i need help. maybe i should go to counseling again...

my jesus

2007-08-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

so this past week i went to montana for a couple days, more than a couple really. anyway, when there i had to run to the store and as i was driving home by myself a song came on the radio. my first thought was to change the station, because honestly the singers voice wasn't anything close to what i like, but being in montana, the good radio stations are few and far between, so i kept it on and decided to listen to the lyrics. the song by the way was Todd Agnew's My Jesus, here are the lyrics:

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ,
Why do you look so much like the world?

Chorus:
'Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit, do we pray to be blessed with the
Wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Chorus:

And who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side
Or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes, curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we’d recognize Him

Chorus:

'Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reached for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He’d prefer Beal St. to the stained glass crowd
But I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus
Can I be like You
I want to be like my Jesus

as i was listening one part of the lyrics really stuck in my head, and for two reasons; 1. my friend katie just recently wrote a blog on it, 2. it was extremely convicting of the way i've been living my life.
the line was: if Ephesians says to imitate Christ, why do you look so much like the world.

how often do i sit and call myself a Christian yet fail to be exactly that, an imitator of Christ?
the word itself means that and yet i cannot and almost will not do that.
i want the easy way out, the way that says "yeah, curse like no other and judge and sin over and over and over, cuz heck, i accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior."
but i didn't, i have accepted him as my Savior but not as my Lord, i haven't let Him rule my life like a Lord would. i mean for a while i did, like when i come to really tough parts of my life and i realize i can't do it on my own anymore, which i guess is one of those times right now, but why can't i do it all the time, why do i fail continually with something that should be so simple, He died for my sins, for my life, why can't i attempt to return the favor and live the life He gave me for Him?

failure is a feeling i dread and yet i face it everyday. every single day i fail at one thing or another, i struggle to live up to the expectations, not the ones that other people put upon me, but the expectations i put upon myself. and i realize most people are the hardest on themselves but i don't care, i set these expectations because it is who i want to be, yet i fail every minute of every single day, WHY!?!?

and now i'm just babbling...that's what this blog will end up being i can see it now...oh well its not for you its for me :)