Wow...

It's been a while since I've written anything on here, written anything really...I guess I've just been so busy and tired I haven't had anything on my mind other than work and the stress that comes along with living paycheck to paycheck.

I wrote this a while ago...a long while ago for a Creative Writing class I took about a year and a half ago, we were given the assignment of writing a "Story Starter" basically the start to a story that we would/should/could embellish upon later if we so desired. I've been struggling since then with where to go with the story, I would love input if you have any...I'll post my ramblings as they come along :)
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Its soft scent was sweet, the paper lay flat against the small leaves intricately folded together, I inhaled deeply and let the aroma of the tobacco enter my body. I took the small rectangular paper and rolled the toxic substance tightly, but not too tight, I needed my buzz tonight. The air was cold and crisp, the stars were bright and easily seen. I leaned against the car door, exhaled and took another long draw, savoring every last bit before I was at the end of my cigarette, considering it was my last. This new health kick I was on wouldn’t last long, but my sister said it was necessary and I figured I might as well go all out. Eh, it’d be fun for a while.

I waited for his car to pull into the lot and knew immediately it was him, that one headlight had been out for a while now and I couldn’t see him replacing it anytime soon. He pulled up next to me and shut off the engine, I put out my smoke as he stepped out of his car. He always looked good, no matter how late it was, his arrogance was never a turn off, to say the least. His tall strong body was emphasized by the moon light and I felt my stomach drop. He grabbed me and held me close, just long enough for me to lose my breath and catch it again, he was warm as usual and I knew this was going to be harder than I had thought.

oh my gosh

So yesterday I had a breakdown,
and when I say breakdown, I mean there was a

literal breaking down.

My, oh my, it's been quite a long time since I have been faced with such emotional overload and yesterday morning kicked it into gear.
AND what do you suppose was the foundation of this whole breakdown?...

We'll start with the main things that happened first:
My sister left yesterday to start her summer in Alaska which will take her through Canada, to Seattle, then to Florida, then Colfax, then sunny California, all of which she barely has to pay for. Her trip leaves me alone in Missoula for, oh yeah, the whole freaking summer! Awesome. I want to go places, want to see things. I look at my life and feel so unaccomplished, I want, need, something more and I'm tired of waiting for the future to do it.

Second, however, I suppose this happened beforehand:
Last week sometime my dad fell down again, and it was pretty bad, and he went to the hospital, AGAIN. And apparently he's going to start rehab again, yeah right. More stress. I can't be there to take care of my dad, I can't be there to take care of my brother. That's the worst part, I don't want my brother to continue on the path he is going and I don't know how to steer him in the proper direction, he has no positive male role model in his life and I'm just the older sister. I want so much for him and I want him to strive because he has so much potential but I fear for him.

Next:
I had to spend time with my mother yesterday, a person who is completely oblivious to the fact that anything she does could possibly have been wrong. Ughhh do you have any idea how frustrating it is to hear how concerned she is about her step-daughter and how hard her step daughter has it, um hello!?! What about the daughter you gave birth to and how she struggles. P.S. Mom, I am NOT depressed because I don't have a good enough relationship with God, it's a chemical imbalance in my brain, and I cannot simply choose to make it go away. I can choose how I deal with it and whether or not to embrace it, but that does not mean that everyday isn't a challenge.

Next:
I had a stab of the past that brought up feelings I thought were loooong gone. Pete's brother, Ben has been hanging out with an ex of an "ex", a relationship where I had been "the other girl" (unitentionally, by the way, he lied). And all the old feelings of only being second best came back, none of which had anything to do with her, and nothing to do with Ben, or Pete, only that it reminded me again of how I was the girl on the sidelines, and how much that freaking sucks. To feel as though you're good, just not good enough, could quit possiblly be one of the worst feelings in the world. I think I never really dealt with the situation appropriately, I allowed myself to just ignore it, to let it go and never really deal with the anger and the hurt and the frustration I felt.

Jealousy:
Everything lately has been rooted in this terrible, horrible emotion. I have never, ever been the girl to be jealous, I have always been self confident, strong and full of self esteem, yet somewhere along the way that went away, and I know I've written about this before, about how I feel I lost myself, but I just don't understand, and I don't know how to fix it. I love Peter and I love the people in my life who build me up. But somehow I am unable to find the strength to make myself believe I have worth and/or value.

I don't know how.

I want to be strong, I want to be good for Pete and I want to love myself enough to let him love me, I want to love myself to let God love me. My dad has these same issues and he just chooses to drink them away, I don't want that, I don't want it to come to that. I need help and don't know where to ask...

Everything lately has been so incredibly overwhelming, being alone a lot, moving and running around all the time with very little time for rest and I think it's finally catching up to me and I am utterly, physically and emotionally, exhausted.

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do
with anything anymore
I feel so lost,
I'm lonely 98% of the time
the people I spend most of my time with are 1 and 3...
hopefully I'll find a social outlet at work...but so far that's looking grim

I have zero direction for my life
I don't know what I want
I don't know how to figure that out
I just want to travel and be done with school

I want friends
I want a social life, one I enjoy
I want happiness that lasts more than during the daylight hours, if even those

LOST
I feel so lost

Decode

I think I have a thyroid problem, or something of the sort. I'm tired, all the freaking time.

I need a job, I need something to keep my mind focused, to keep my hands busy. I hate sitting around all the time. Sure, I could do homework, but why in the world would I want to do that.

I'm quite possibly the most apathetic human that I know, when it comes to school, I really could care less.

I wish I had a passion, wish there was something I was so interested in that it took up my free time, that it consumed my thoughts. The only thing that comes remotely close is traveling and photography. Of course both of which cost money, an area I lack in. I enjoy writing too, but I find myself too lazy to sit down and do it.

ZERO motivation. Is everyone like this, does everyone go through a stage in their life where laying in bed sounds like the best idea...? Will it go away, do I have to force it away. Boo. Life should be easy, wait, never mind. Scratch that...

We don't deserve easy...we sort of, kind of, spat in the face of our maker...Why should he make anything easy...?Boo again ;)

P.S. Twilight (the book series) is absolutely amazing, and I feel so ridiculous and somewhat ashamed to admit it, considering it's aimed as a teenage novel, but it's SO good! And anyone who says other wise, and hasn't read the books, is silly. Do not judge unless you know the facts. Anyway, they movie is pretty darn good as well and the second one comes out in November, CAN'T WAIT!

Guns, Love, and Happiness :)

fail to the English language

I despise the English language for many reasons, but I must say the thing I dislike most would have to be that we have somehow come upon a way to devalue the feelings, the emotions, of love.

A word that we use so commonly, one we throw around, use in everyday language and have slowly beaten and abused to such a point, that when we actually feel LOVE, we fail to truly feel and express it.

Agape: A sacrificial love, one that is never-changing, whether for the world or from the God of Love, it is indifferent and unconditional. A love that is almost quite beyond the comprehension of man, one that's boundaries expand far past that of normalcy.


Philia: A platonic like love, an everyday love, one beyond just a "liking", for family, friends and the like.
Storge: An affectionate love, one love that a parent has for a child. Natural, innate.
Thelema: A love of desire.


and last;
Eros: A passionate, sensual love. One that can be sexual or not, a love that goes past the love of Philia for another. A love that does not tire, or weaken. A love that grows through the presence of one another as much as it grows through absence. One that teaches, one that's based in the very soul, the innermost of each being. A love that forms a connection, a bond; of trust and respect. A love that brings sane insanity.



I tip my hat to you, Plato, Aristotle and the rest, for you knew what you were talking about.

There cannot be one word to express these feelings we incur, however, the English language has failed yet again :)

I encourage you to be wary of when you use this "L" word. Use it only when truly meant, never use it as a lie, never say it if you're unsure. Because however lame the English language is, our human minds and souls are even more lame, because we have taken that word and connected it with a feeling in our soul, and our soul cannot see the difference between love, and love, and love. And the last thing you want to do, is scar someone's heart by misusing a word and leading them to assumptions, only to be let down and hurt.

I love my God. My Savior and my Lord.

I love my family, my sister, my brothers, my dad, my mom. I love my friends.

and Pete,

I love you. And I realize this is mushy and ridiculous. But you have captured my heart, body and soul, and there's no way getting around that. I have found in you something I never thought I'd find. And this is going to be a trying time, a time of distance and trust, but it's a time we'll get through.

I love you.